Title: Silent All These Years
Category: MSR, Angst
Spoilers: Milagro, Two Fathers, One Son, The End, The Beginning,
Arcadia, FTF (not so much a spoiler, but it will be easier in a
couple parts to know what I am talking about) Tithonus (blink and
you miss it), an indirect reference to Travelers. . .that should
Summary: With one truth comes another.
Feedback: Yes, please. Feed me Seymour!
Archive: Go for it, just let me know about it so I can visit.
Disclaimer: I really wish I could say I am getting paid to write
this, but that's just not true. I do not own these kids or the
stories behind them. Chris, Fox, 1013 and whatnot own them and I
envy them so.I just do this to work through frustrations and
resolve things that were never settled in the show. It is also a
great way to avoid college related work. :)
Thanks goes to (drum roll): Sara! For doing a superb beta job
and being kind enough to fix even my small, and yet oh so large,
mistakes. And I would also like to thank . . . you, for taking
the time to read this *insert corny grin*.
Dedication: I'd like to dedicate this series to Sara, because she
encouraged me to not leave it at this first story and expand it
into a second . . . which later led to a third. Thanks for that
as well, Sara!
Author's Notes: I took my title from a Tori Amos song, but the
song did not do the inspiring. This story did not go how I
expected at all. I had other plans for it and it came out like
this for some reason. I wrote the majority of it in about 2 hours
(excluding the editing) and after I finished I was already
planning to do a sequel. I have some Diana issues (as I am sure
most of us do), but oddly enough she played a huge part in the
plot . . . weird. Read on, I'll have some other stuff at the end.
"Truth is within ourselves; it takes no rise
From outward things, whate'er you may believe.
There is an inmost center in us all,
Where truth abides in fullness; all around,
Wall upon wall, the gross flesh hems it in,
This perfect, clear perception, which is Truth."
Excerpt from 'Paracelsus' by Robert Browning
They'd been on the proverbial roller coaster of emotions for
months now. Even before Antarctica things had been easier to
understand between them. Things had changed. Due to the
unidentifiable feelings that were floating freely in the air, it
was hard to differentiate if things were moving forward for them
or just coming to an all-around halt.
After the basement office was finally brought back to life and
the X-Files had been reopened, issues began to rise up out of
nowhere. Diana and Spender had been put to some use by Kersh,
despite Mulder's feelings towards the situation. It was always
Scully's denial after Antarctica had been hurtful and somewhat
betraying to Mulder. She hated herself for it. But for some
reason she couldn't bring herself to take that step into
admitting such things to the committee. She was still having a
hard time admitting them to herself. That was when she felt
Mulder slipping and the emotional upheaval really started to take
Diana had started to snake her way back into Mulder's life and
Scully thought she was doing one hell of a job in doing so. He
had gone as far as to shun Scully's loyalty and the proof she had
on Diana Fowley and the company the woman had been keeping
lately. He'd, in some way, chosen Diana over her and it cut deep.
It made her heart bleed.
They tried to have work go as usual, Mulder throwing her his
innuendos and continuing to cast his crazy theories right and
left. And it worked . . . for a while. The casual banter and
joking around would work as well as a cheap store brand band-aid
could to a wound that needed stitches. It would work until the
wound spread more, causing more damage and scarring than the body
He always came back to Scully. He would throw his tantrum, do his
best to do things his way and fail and then he would seek her for
comfort. And she never ceased to give it to him. All in all,
Mulder was unaware of how much the ping pong game between Diana
and Scully was affecting Scully. She understood why he was so
determined to trust Agent Fowley. He had trusted Fowley at one
point and he was so used to people crushing his trust in them
that it hurt to think he had to add a former colleague -- or for
that matter -- former lover, to the list.
And Scully tried to let it slide. She tried to find enough
compassion to just drop it and continue as she had always done:
working with Mulder with no strings attached. And by no strings,
that meant she was to work with him without letting any feelings
beyond partnership and friendship enter the scene. But it had
become personal. Not even so much for her, but more so because
Mulder was on his way to being hurt beyond repair.
Then Fowley vanished and Mulder and Scully ignored her
disappearance as well as they could, avoiding any mentioning of
her in front of each another, no matter the case. And that could
simply be seen as shaking salt on the ever present wound and
trying to avoid the sting.
Not long after Agent Spender's assumed death, Scully and Mulder
were given a case in which they had to pose as a happily married,
straight out of TV Land couple. It hit closer to home than they
were willing to show and, considering everything, they did as
well as they could in playing it as professional as they would
let themselves. Feelings were awakened but hidden before anything
visible could become of them. They did their job and solved the
case, at least as well as any X-File can be solved, and then went
back to routine without so much as a mention of the things that
had passed between them.
Case after case came about and as usual the cases were hard to
solve and even harder to explain. Just like old times. That is
until Padgett introduced himself into their lives. Here was a man
who made his writing come to life--literally. And although the
case itself was disturbing and brutal, the experience was
haunting, for both Mulder and Scully. So many feelings were put
out in the open for Scully and, moreover, Padgett's obsession had
Mulder fearing for Scully's life and had him covered in jealousy.
This writer was able to tell and write and show his feelings to
Scully, in spite of how uncalled for it had all been, and here
Mulder--being the only man who was really in her life-- was still
unable to even tell her that he couldn't breathe without her.
However, one thing gave Mulder hope and had Scully lathered in
fear. Padgett's words after his release. . .
"Agent Scully is already in love."
The words hung in the air like fog on the coast of Maine.
Scully's heart had sped up to an unhealthy rate and Mulder was
dumb-struck. Yet, nothing was ever said. They walked out of that
prison as if Padgett had simply told them that the sky was blue.
A stake-out and a few hours later and Scully was clinging to the
body of the man who could do nothing more but stroke her hair and
whisper assurance into her ear. The ambulance didn't take much
time to enter the scene and soon after, the FBI and local police
found the body of Philip Padgett, murdered by his own hands. That
was the conclusion drawn anyway.
Precautions were taken and Scully made another all too familiar
trip to the hospital, staying over night with a monitor and
supervision. Well, supervision with Mulder by her side. A one
week leave was issued and she was left to deal with the case and
the confessions that had arose from it.
Scully padded toward the door to answer to the familiar knock
behind it. Sure enough Mulder, dressed in jeans and his gray
shirt, stood with his MulderSmile in tact.
"Hi, just came to do my daily check-up on you."
Scully nodded with a small smile and offered an ushering arm,
moving to the side.
"I was just about to pour me some tea. Do you want some?" Mulder
sauntered in as Scully made her way back to the kitchen.
"No, I'm fine, thanks." He placed himself on the couch and settled
Scully re-entered, cup in hand. "So, how was work? You miss me?"
"Pretty uneventful and, yes, of course I missed you. I see you
are taking advantage of yet another 'vacation'." Mulder motioned
to her clothing of choice for the day. She was a vision in terry
Scully cocked her head and then looked down, taking note of the
fact that she was in her robe and house shoes. She pulled the
front of her robe closer together, holding the lapels close to
her chest. " Oh yeah, I, uh, just took a bath."
He pushed back an innuendo and decided to change the subject.
"You still holding up all right?"
"I'm fine, yeah. Beats a gunshot wound." She finally took a seat
beside him and sipped her tea. "I am still not sure why I was
given leave. There isn't even any scarring and I am not hurting
in the least."
"Never turn down a break from work, that's my motto."
"Liar." She gave a small grin and cocked an eyebrow.
"Oh well, it falls way under 'Trust no one' and ' I want to
believe' and a few other selected mottos, of course."
"That's what I thought." She leaned back into the cushions,
relaxing her back muscles and curling one leg under the other.
After a long pause, Mulder went into casual conversation." Do
anything exciting today?"
"If by exciting, you mean, unproductive, then yes." She sipped
her tea again.
"That bad without me, huh?" He flashed a cocky grin and turned
his body to face her.
She released a laugh. "You could say that, I won't say it, but
Mulder smiled. "You had dinner yet?"
"Nope, I was asking myself what to do about that before you
"Feel like getting out and having some dinner with me? I'll pay."
He was pleading with his eyes and had a sheepish grin
pulling at the sides of his mouth.
How could she resist? "I'll just go change."
"Why?" He tried to look as serious as possible, but his eyes
alone proved otherwise.
Scully rolled her eyes and then got up to go to her room. "Feel
free to watch TV or whatever."
Mulder decided to do nothing. He just sat there and tried to
organize his own thoughts.
He was going to apologize tonight. Not his usual guilt-stricken
apology about something she saw as him beating himself up, but
the mother of all apologies. Mulder planned to get to the bottom
of their feelings for each other and the first step was to make
sure she knew how much guilt he still had over Diana and the
problems she had caused, deliberate or not. He also had some
points in his past she deserved to know.
He hated that every time he was getting closer to recognizing his
feelings towards Scully Diana would waltz back in and he'd
retreat. Things between his partner and he would get complicated
and uncomfortable. Then Diana would be gone and they were left
back at square one.
That would end tonight. He wasn't sure what would happen beyond
his confessions and apology, but he knew that if he didn't say
what he needed to say, it would become harder and harder for him
to live with himself.
Ten minutes later, Scully came out of her room with a purple v-
neck, long-sleeved shirt and black slacks. As usual, her make-up
was soft, but her hair seemed more free.
"You ready to go, Mulder?" She grabbed a light jacket and reached
for the doorknob.
He hadn't realized he had actually been staring at her. He
snapped out of his trance and hopped up from the couch. "Yeah,
The dinner had been pretty carefree. After some playful bantering
on where to eat, they finally settled on eating at an all-
They kept their conversation casual with topics about the fickle
weather, Mulder's lack of cases to work on, did their share of
reminiscing and laughed at the good times. He would need her
relaxed and in somewhat of a good mood before he unleashed his
Scully unlocked her door and invited Mulder inside. She turned up
the heat, it was getting rather chilly outside and Mulder had not
worn a coat, and then turned on the side table lamp.
"Do you think it'll rain?" Scully asked as she glanced out the
window and noticed a slight overcast.
"Probably later tonight." Mulder fidgeted with his fingers and
then ran a hand through his hair.
Noticing Mulder's nervous behavior, Scully approached him and
searched his eyes. "You okay, Mulder?"
"Yeah, um . . . yeah. Well, I--I need to talk with you about
something. Actually, I need to tell you some stuff that I am
little unsure how you might take and then I have to apologize for
them." He scoffed at his explanation and at how he was acting. He
knew deep down everything would be okay.
Scully furrowed her brow, curious as to what on earth Mulder was
so nervous about telling her. She then sat down on the couch and
patted the cushion beside her to welcome Mulder. He paced a
couple more times before he finally settled himself onto the
His uncharacteristic fidgeting was getting irritating, so Scully
placed her hand on his arm and soothed her thumb across his
"Mulder, please, just breathe and tell me what you need to tell
He bit his lip and then took a deep breath, halting his hands.
Mulder turned his hand so that Scully's rested in his palm and he
placed his other over it.
"It has to do with Diana."
The mention of her name made Scully's somewhat amused smile fall
and she cleared her throat. Her mind was in a panic and her heart
beat fast against her chest. She was fearing the worst. Was he in
love with Diana? Had he decided to switch partners as soon as he
tracked Fowley down? She let out a sigh and nodded for him to
"Um, ok, we'll start with my past with Diana. She helped get the
X-Files started back up again and we worked together yes, but she
was more than my partner."
"Believe it or not, Mulder, I figured as much. Frohike let me in
on her being your, ahem, 'chickadee', so that helped too."
Mulder was taken aback at first. The calmness at her statement
proved she didn't know the whole story, however. "How much did he
"That's basically it, just that you were more than friends and
more than partners when working on the X-Files." She had a
rigidness to her voice, she knew, but this was about as calm as
she could be when it came to this subject.
For a second there he thought he would get out of this admission,
but his tension returned once it was made clear there was more to
"There's more to it than that. I had known Diana before I
transferred to the X-Files." Mulder took in another deep breath
before continuing. "We'd met at Quantico and not long after, we
started getting serious."
Scully wiggled uncomfortably and cleared her throat, then looked
down at a loose thread on a cushion.
Mulder closed his eyes briefly before the moment of truth and
then gave a squeeze to Scully's hand.
"Scully, Diana and I were married before the X-Files."
At that Scully abruptly directed her attention back on Mulder,
her eyes first widened then narrowed. Mulder recognized two
emotions in her watery depths; hurt and anger. She quickly pulled
her hand from his and pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Wow." That was the only thing she could muster, and it had been
almost a whisper. She stood up and walked to the window and then
closed her eyes. She hated to admit it, but she was fighting
Mulder threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Scully
"What the hell were you thinking, Mulder?" She yelled at the
window before she flailed her arms into the air and turned to
"I mean, God, Mulder. Don't you think you could have mentioned
this the first several times we encountered her?"
Mulder brought his head from the uncomfortable position and
braced himself. Oh yeah, this is what I had in mind for her
reaction, he thought to himself. Although, in his mind it hadn't
been this awkward and well, loud.
"Are you still married? Are you still in love with her? Is that
why you have refused time and time again to even consider taking
my side over hers throughout this entire ordeal?" She was pacing
furiously back and forth, occasionally looking in his direction.
She hadn't realized, but her tears were slowly escaping. She'd
known Diana and Mulder were involved at one point, but to know
that they'd been married and failed to mention it to her crushed
Mulder stood up and placed himself in her path. She stopped in
front of him, but cast her eyes elsewhere.
"Jesus. Scully, no! We were married a grand total of six months
before things began to fall apart. It was right before I
transferred to the X-Files and she decided to join me. She agreed
with me on things, yes, but we fought constantly and not even
about sensible things. It was half into that year before she
decided it wasn't going to work and we divorced. She got as far
away from me as possible and I continued on with my life."
Scully quickly wiped at her cheeks before she settled her focus
on his face again, her brows knitted together, her arms crossed
and lips pursed. "That explains one question, feel free to tell
me the rest. Unless you want to wait another six years, then go
ahead, pace yourself."
All right, this wasn't at all how he had envisioned this
happening. He figured she would pace wildly and then finally let
him continue with what he needed to say, no questions asked. Her
questions were valid though. He had planned to eventually let her
in on those answers, so he went on.
"I'm not sure if I ever was in love with her. I'd married her
because . . . well, if anything it was because I thought she
understood the quest, the truth. But things changed, she seemed
to slowly turn to her own agenda and stopped telling me things.
It withered back into a partnership, but without the amount of
trust as before. So she left me and I couldn't have cared less at
Scully's frustrated tears fell freely now and she turned away
from Mulder, settling back onto the couch and bringing her legs
to her chest.
"No, please. Don't cry Scully, please." Nothing like Scully crying
to make him overcome with guilt. He walked to the couch and sat
in front of her. She closed her eyes and cradled her head into
the palm of her hand. He just looked at her and waited for her
permission to continue.
"So, at the time you didn't care, but now that she's back you are
reconsidering?" She sighed, releasing the tension and anger as
well as she could and then brought her face up to look at him.
"Is that why
you've been pulling away from me?"
His eyes darkened and he clinched his jaw. "Is that what you
think, Scully? That I am going to just throw you out the door,
after all we've been through, that's the conclusion you have
"What the hell am I supposed to think, Mulder? I thought I knew
what I needed to know about you and now your past is a mystery to
me. You aren't really giving much room on what I should think,
"But that's all it is, Scully, my past."
"No Mulder, your past just came back to haunt both of our lives
and I am having to deal with it. Your past has become mine, just
like your search. Now answer my question. Does the fact that you
two were husband and wife have anything to do with you pulling
away from me?"
"No." He was trying to keep it simple so he could move beyond
"I want to believe you, Mulder, but how can I? You just threw a
huge secret in my lap that I should have known about long ago and
I am supposed to take a simple 'no' as an answer? I can't take
that ,Mulder. I won't. I deserve, no, I demand more than that."
Scully straightened her back and wiped at her cheeks again.
"You're right, you do deserve to know." He hesitated before he
placed his hand over hers and to his surprise she didn't pull
away. She'd thought about refusing any physical contact with him,
but she recognized that he was trying to make an amends.
"My marriage to Diana had been a partnership, and not in the
romantic sense. When she came back into my life and introduced
herself into yours, I was confused. I had thought she was gone
for good, that I wouldn't have to look back and reflect on our
past. She changed things and not for the best. Feelings, as
minute as they had been, came back and I had no idea how to deal
with them. Scully, I was accepting her back into my life as my
former partner and nothing more. I owed her my trust, but I
failed to realize that by giving it to her I didn't need
to take it away from you. But that is what happened, in a way. I
shunned you and ignored you and I hate myself for it. I also hate
myself because I almost gave in to her temptation."
Scully let out a shaky breath and licked her bottom lip, stopping
herself from commenting until he was finished.
"She still loves me, Scully. She always has, but she'd never
realized that being married to me meant she would have to share
me with my search. Of course, she supported me in it all, but she
never realized my dedication. So when she came back I think she
thought I would throw all the baggage out the door and be willing
to take her back. The last thing she expected was you in my life
and you have been with me longer than she ever was. However, I
wanted to believe that she had something, some truth to her
return and that is why I pushed you aside and gave in to her."
Scully gave a small nod, preparing herself to ask a question she
wasn't sure she should even ask. "Have you been, um, physically
involved since her return?" She blushed slightly at her question
and looked away.
"She kissed me."
"Oh." Somehow that was far from comforting.
"Yeah." He searched her face and waited for something. Anything.
"I need tea." She threw her legs from the couch and quickly made
her way to the kitchen.
Mulder stared blankly at the spot in which she had been sitting
and then stood, slowly.
"So is that it, Mulder? Is that all you have to say?" He heard
her switch the stove on and put the kettle on the burner. She
appeared, once more, in the entry-way and looked to Mulder,
regaining her composure.
"No. I had a couple more things to say. But not before I
"For what? For keeping all this from me or for your behavior
every time she is in the room?"
"Both, but mostly for the latter. You didn't deserve that. I
realize now that I owe you so much more than that and that she
doesn't deserve half of what I give her. You are in my life now
and have been for six years and I want to keep you. I want to
keep you in my life for as long as I can and I want you."
"You want me . . ." She was waiting for him to add onto his last
"That's it. I want you, Scully. I need you." He'd said it. He had
more to say, but not before he knew what her response would be
thus far. He was fidgeting again.
Her mouth hung open briefly, before she turned to answer to the
whistle of the kettle. How was she supposed to respond to that?
Of course she felt the same way about him, but how much did he
expect her to take tonight? He'd just unleashed some very crucial
truths into their lives and it was beyond too much for her to
As she turned off the stove and placed the kettle to the side,
she heard him step into the kitchen.
He realized she wasn't going to respond quite yet, so he
continued. "All right, well, I have a question for you."
She very quietly said ok and reached for a mug on the counter.
"On this last case, with Padgett, he was talking about me when he
said you were in love, wasn't he?"
That couldn't possibly be classified as a question, she thought.
That was more like a know-it-all statement, meant to back her
into a corner. He knew. She couldn't deny it now.
She stopped her reach for the mug and leaned against the counter,
releasing a nod. She'd tried to vocalize a yes, but her throat
hadn't allowed it.
He couldn't help but smile. He had always known that she loved
him, but he also knew that she would never be the first to admit
it unless he admitted it for her. He stepped closer to her, his
chest inches from her back.
"Mulder, I can't take this." She was crying again. "I'm still
trying to process that you were married to that--that woman at
one point in time."
He placed his hands gingerly on her shoulders and smoothed them
over before he closed the contact between his chest and her back.
His hand lifted to her profile and brushed her hair away from her
"Scully, I'm going to kiss you now." His warm breath grazed her
ear and she shuddered involuntarily.
He turned her body to face him and she was helpless, something
that she never was. With her eyes closed and her cheeks tear
stained once more, she licked her lips. She was going to let him
Mulder cupped her face with his hands and stared at her face,
marveling at her beauty, her strength and the permission she was
granting him. He brought his lips slowly to hers before he
finally sealed their closeness.
The kiss was sweet and simple. Even though his lips were barely
pressing against hers, her body relaxed and she couldn't help but
kiss him back. Combining the small force of his kiss and her
reflection of it, the kiss deepened. He was the first to part
their lips and increase the kiss, his tongue sliding across her
bottom lip before having it enter her mouth.
Scully brought her hands around his neck, pulling his head closer
and taking the kiss to its final level. His arms encircled her
waist and he heard a faint moan escape from her. Moments later
she broke the kiss.
"No, Mulder, no. We can't do this right now. I'm not emotionally
stable and you are the reason for that. If we let this continue,
I don't know what I'll do."
With his arms still around her waist, he brushed his lips over
hers again and she was unable to resist the contact. This time he
was the first to pull away. Mulder grabbed her hand and kissed
it, then enfolded it in his hands.
"I know you're afraid to love me, for whatever other reasons you
had before tonight, but I need you to know that I'm not afraid to
love you and that I do love you." His eyes spoke volumes of truth
in those words and she felt a release.
"Mulder, I'm afraid . . . but I'm willing." She smiled and gave a
reassuring squeeze to his hands.
He sighed and unleashed a grin. "That's all I ask."
"And I love you now, but I need time. I need time for all this to
sink in and for me to work through how I should go about this."
He pushed a stubborn strand of auburn behind her ear and cradled
her cheek. "Take all the time you need." He bent down and kissed
her gently on the lips, then placed yet another kiss to her
"I am sorry, Scully. I don't know if you'll ever know how sorry I
am about the things I have said to you and how I have treated you
in the past year. I meant what I said before Antarctica and I
just don't want you to ever forget that I trust you with all I
have. I love you with all I have."
She reached up and hugged him, burying her face in his neck and
nodding. "I know Mulder, I really do."
They'd been silent all these years and one thing they had learned
and accepted was that with one truth came another.
Let's discuss this briefly. All in all, I hate the very
thought of Fowley and Mulder ever being married and have actually
come up with other theories as to why he had a ring in Travelers.
However, I made it a big part of this fic anyway. I kinda hate
myself for it to be honest. At the same time, I really like the
result of this fic. Also, Diana seems to bring out the jerk in
Mulder and that just doesn't sit well with me, so I had to
resolve some stuff somehow and this, my friends, is the result. I
hope you liked it for what it was. I smell a sequel! Feedback is
Title: To Be With You
Category: MSR, angst
Spoilers: Biogenesis, Sixth Extinction I and Amor Fati, tiny ones
for The Unnatural and Paper Hearts and there is a touch on the
background of all things.
Summary: Perfect love casteth out all fear.
Feedback: Yes, please. Don't make me beg. firstname.lastname@example.org
Archive: Go for it, just leave it as is with everything attached
and tell me about it.
Disclaimer: Ah yes, the disclaimer . . . the bane of my
existence. If you must know these characters and the basic plot
line are not mine and never will be. Chris Carter and the gang
are responsible for this stroke of genius, I just like to have my
way with his creation sometimes.
Thanks goes to . . . : Sara, of course, for the beta work. She
makes me look so much smarter by correcting my crazy mistakes.
Also, thanks goes to Chris, Gillian, David and the crew for
making this show so darn fun to write about. Much gratitude to
you for reading this, as well.
Author's Notes: This is the sequel to "Silent All These Years",
which I suggest you read before going any further. With that
little note, you may proceed.
Why did she continue to haunt him? He didn't want that life. Not
He knew the thoughts and visions had not been his own. They were
invaders that had no right to raid his dreams. He'd decided what
he wanted long ago, it had just taken him a while longer to
realize that decision.
She was dead now, but somehow he felt she wouldn't stop there.
She was relentless, almost a curse. Despite the assumptions of
her aiding to his rescue, the thought of her angered him.
Loved him? She'd said it and he'd heard it. If he'd had the
mobility he would have flinched in response to her announcement.
Since her return she'd made it clear she still loved him, but to
hear the words . . .
She didn't love him. No.
Love traveled to Africa. Love flashed unexpected smiles. Love
accepted him for the mess he was. Love saved him a thousand times
over. Love was one in five billion. Love was Scully.
And that love was the reason for his honesty. He wouldn't hold
back anymore. He couldn't. If they were to move forward
completely, the unwelcome life he'd been given in his mind had to
be brought out into the open.
She'd wanted time and he'd given it to her. Time will tell. All
good things come to those who wait. Peel the onion one layer at a
time. The waiting is the hardest part.
Cliches for comfort, that's what it had come to.
She was almost ready to let him in completely. They hadn't kissed
since - what he liked to refer to as -- the night of truth.
Simple dates and cherished moments were what he had been living
off of the last couple of months. One thing for sure, baseball
was now officially his sport of choice, hands down.
In the last few weeks many things had shifted their path ever so
slightly. His illness. Diana's death. Scully's revelation that
maybe he wasn't as crazy as everyone thought he was. The fate of
the world; the fate of what they could be together.
Scully was okay. Mulder was okay, so to speak.
It had been two days since his bandages were removed and he was
ready. Ready to face whatever obstacle his story would bring. A
movie night was what he settled on.
It wasn't long before she arrived. He was still on leave, so she
left work and went straight to his apartment.
He answered her polite knock dressed in his jeans and white shirt
while she stood opposite him in her prim black suit, a hint of
blue showing from beneath the lapels of her jacket.
"Hey." Despite the purpose of their 'date' tonight, the sight of
her brought on undeniable happiness. He moved to the side.
"I smell popcorn." She strolled in, setting her keys on the
"Ah yes, my cuisine. We both know I'm not too handy when it comes
to culinary skills." He gave a crooked smile and watched her as
she walked to the sofa.
"What are we watching?" She smiled at him as she sank her body
into the couch. Due to the lack of cases since Mulder's leave,
she'd been stuck with several autopsies and her body ached.
He noticed the small grimace that crossed her features, but let
Mulder waggled his eyebrows and picked up the movie of choice.
Scully rolled her eyes immediately, taking notice of the horrible
black and white photo and the obvious fact that it was one of his
beloved sci-fi B-movies.
"'Plan 9 From Outer Space', it's a classic. You seen it?"
"No, but I have this sinking feeling that you have seen it far
too many times for your own good." She held her hand out,
silently asking that he give her the tape.
"You put it in and I'll go get the popcorn." As he turned, Mulder
remembered her sore body, but before he could say anything she
was out of her seat. He quickly went to the kitchen and applied a
generous amount of butter and salt. What Scully didn't know
wouldn't hurt her,right? Not when it came to food anyway.
He returned to his living room in time to see Scully examining
the back of the now empty video box.
"It doesn't look too horrible", she said playfully and placed the
box on the coffee table. Her eyes turned to Mulder who had
settled himself into the cushions, popcorn bowl in hand.
"You feeling better?" Her fingers grazed over his temple, moving
to the place that he'd had his surgery.
"As far as I know." Absentmindedly, Mulder relaxed his head into
"Everything okay in there?" Scully patted his head and then
withdrew her hand, placing it into her lap.
He grinned and released a laugh. "Well, I don't hear voices or
feel the urge to report to the mother ship if that's what you're
asking. Can't promise I'm any closer to sanity though."
Somewhat amused and somewhat concerned, Scully smiled closed-
mouthed and let her back meet the couch.
"Actually, Scully," Mulder's face relaxed to a serious
expression, "I needed to talk to you about some . . . stuff." He
reached for the remote and turned down the now playing movie.
"Ah, you seduce me with the promise of a sci-fi classic and now
you break my heart by wanting to talk? Tease!"
He laughed, his mind reeling at her choice of words and also what
he would say to her.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that." His face was serious again
and her upturned lips settled into a thin line. She pursed her
lips in concern and placed her hand on his forearm.
"You okay, Mulder?"
"Um, I've got some weird things to tell you. Things I am still
trying to sort out that happened while 'they' had me, well,
wherever they had me."
She nodded at him to continue, sitting up and resting her hands
in her lap once more.
"First, I want to thank you. You've sacrificed a lot for me in
the last few weeks, your life and your faith. I know it was a lot
for you to put at risk and you saved me in doing so. I just . . .
it means so much to me." His eyes were cast down knowing the
words would come easier that way.
"I wouldn't do it for anyone else." She smiled.
Mulder smiled, then snorted mildly.
"What was it like?"
His eyes jumped to her face as his expression twisted slightly in
"Knowing what you knew by hearing people . . . feeling people. It
seemed so, I don't know, painful I guess. When I saw you in the
cell, it was hard for me to bear. I just can't imagine the
He simply nodded in agreement.
"I came back shortly, to see you in the hospital. I'd heard you
were sedated and that unexplained things were happening to you.
Some might say, amazing things. Seeing you lying there
motionless--was hard, Mulder. I missed talking to you, having
you talk back and crack a smile. I never realized how much I--,"
she caught herself, but Mulder smiled to himself at her near
confession. He hated for pride to kick in at a time like this,
but she'd been close to saying she couldn't live without him.
Maybe she was letting him in after all.
"You're okay now. You held on for me." Her voice was small when
it broke into his thoughts.
Repeating her words back to her, Mulder replied, "I wouldn't do
it for anyone else."
They sat silently for a few short moments, Mulder's mind drifting
away to other thoughts than his purpose for having Scully here.
"He thought what he was doing was an act of God, Scully. I'm not
Christ. I wasn't some savior for this planet. He thought I was
and in his twisted mind, he thought I wanted it. He thought I
wanted a lot of things."
Scully looked at him, her eyes showing confusion and curiosity at
his last statement.
"Speaking of which, I need to get back to what I needed to tell
"Right, sorry." She smiled apologetically for throwing him off
topic and focused her attention on his words to come.
"I dreamed a lot when I was in the hospital and when I was in the
lab you rescued me from. Some of them were pleasant, but most
were confusing as hell. Somehow Cigarette-Smoking Man planted
this, I don't know, alternate life in my mind."
Scully was intrigued and her body settled once more back into the
cushions. Mulder's eyes focused on the muted movie.
"This life was almost perfect. It was so real. My sister was
there and alive. It was her and she was so happy, Scully." His
eyes shone with both happiness and sadness. "Deep Throat was
there. He eased my troubled mind about his death. I had a
lifetime supply of sunflower seeds. What more could a guy ask
"What was the problem? How come that life wasn't as perfect as
you wanted it?"
"Wild guess." He looked at her, his face hinting that she should
know the answer. She said nothing.
"You weren't there. This life I was placed into. It didn't have
you there. It was meant to show me what it would have been like
had I given up my quest and the X-Files. What it would have been
like without you." Mulder turned his eyes once more to the
television. He couldn't look at her for the rest of his tale.
"Diana was there." He almost whispered the confession.
Mulder heard Scully draw in a quick breath and release her
uneasiness in the exhalation of it.
"I seemed so content with that life in every aspect. Humph, now
that I'm me again I don't understand why. We . . . we got
married. Again. There were children. There was death. Her death.
Your death. How could I want any of that, Scully?"
When he turned his face to hers, her look was pensive and
unfocused. He expected something, anything to spill from her
lips. When it finally did it wasn't covered in the anger he'd
expected but confusion and sadness.
"Maybe there is a reason you had that . . . dream. Maybe it was
how you'd wanted it to be and that was a way of realizing it."
Her eyes began to shimmer from unshed tears.
"Scully, no, that's not it at all." He moved closer to her, in
effort to supply some amount of comfort. Scully kept her gaze in
check, not flinching or moving from his closeness.
"A dream is an answer to a question we haven't yet learned how to
ask, right? I've held onto those words all these years. They have
an extensive amount of truth to them, Mulder."
"Didn't you hear me? That life wasn't perfect for me. In my list
of reasons for perfection, did you hear Diana's name in there
once? No, Scully, because a life with her would not have been
perfect, I tried it once and it failed. You, Scully, you are the
only thing that would have made that life complete. To be with
you would've made that so-called perfect life worth living. When
I told you I loved you, I meant it. I'll never throw away the
idea of being with you. I need to be with you."
He noticed a tear trickle down her cheek and winced at being the
cause. His voice, unknown to him, had risen and he decreased the
volume to a low, quiet sound.
"I told you this because I knew that if I kept it from you I
wouldn't be able to live with myself. I know what secrets do to
us. That dream should have never come to be. It haunts me."
Mulder shook his head in defeat and he sat back, frustrated at
Peripherally, Mulder noticed Scully wipe the strayed tear away.
She sighed and turned her attention to his guilt-stricken face.
It was only a dream, she thought to herself. It was only what
'they' thought he wanted. It was only a dream. She chanted those
words over and over in her mind. They offered little comfort, but
"I wasn't there at all?" Her voice had a strength to it again,
which shocked Mulder into a reply.
"Well, not for the better years of my life, no. As I lay dying,
the world ending outside my window, C.G.B told me you were gone.
He made me believe that there was nothing I could do and that you
had left me to face it all alone. You came to me though and as I
told you before you were my constant, my touchstone. You pulled
me out of that hell I -- we could have prevented and brought me
back to the task I had set out to do. You were the hero in all
Cautiously he brought his hand to cup her jaw and, much to his
surprise, she took comfort in it. Her eyes closed and she licked
"Is that all? Are there any other dreams I should know about?"
Her jaw moved ever-so slightly against his hand until he moved
his fingers to shift the hair from her face.
"There was this one recurring dream. This boy. On a beach. He was
always building something out of the sand and I finally decided
to help him. I felt towards him like a father would to a son." At
those words, Scully's eyes opened wide in response.
"Yeah, weird huh? It wasn't related to Diana, if that's what
you're thinking. It was separate. We were both intent on building
this massive object out of sand. I think it was the spaceship,
Scully. I guess I'll never know for sure." The corner of his
mouth turned up at the dramatic irony of it all. He'd wanted the
'gift' as far away from him as possible and yet it held the key
to so many of the things he searched for. It had been a choice
and with Scully in his life -- in
this life -- there was no hesitation in his decision.
Once again they sat silently, Scully taking in the things Mulder
had said . . . the things she needed to say.
"I need to tell you something. You've told me of your past and I
think I should let you in on mine or at least let you in on the
basics. You and I both know that Diana was not the only reason
for me holding back my feelings for you. Why I am so cautious in
my decision to be with you, despite my feelings." Scully shifted
uncomfortably and Mulder focused intently.
Clearing her throat she continued.
"Before my relationship with Jack, before the FBI even, I'd
developed a relationship with a man in medical school. His name
was Daniel and he was a professor of mine. We grew closer than we
should have and although we were never intimate in the sense of
the word, he was . . . married and I knew it wasn't right."
Mulder was taken aback, but remained silent.
"He's why I left the path of medicine. He's why I joined the FBI
and started my life with the X-Files. With you."
He nodded with a smile. He wanted to know more, but he sensed her
hesitation in saying much more than she had. That day would come
when she was ready.
"I know you had no control over what happened to you. I can't
hold that against you, despite how much it hurts. She may be
gone, but there will always be the idea of her."
Mulder's face fell in guilt. Guilt for hurting her again.
"I'm closer, Mulder. We're okay. I'm still sorting out my life
and I want to thank you, here and now, for allowing me that."
Leaning in, Scully cupped his face with her hands and brushed a
kiss across his forehead.
"I'm not afraid anymore. Not as much as I was," she whispered.
Those words relieved him more than he could express with words.
Mulder pulled her into an embrace and he felt her relax in his
His eyes glanced at the film and he noticed that it was almost
time for the credits to roll.
"I make a lousy movie buddy," Mulder said jokingly so as to
lighten the heavy mood that had set in the room. He began to pull
away to look at her, but she held him to her.
Moments later she pulled away, placing a kiss on his cheek.
"It's all right. I'm beat, so I think I better head on home." She
swept her fingers over his forehead, pushing hair from his face.
He nodded in reply.
"I should be back in a few days."
"Get some sleep, Mulder. Plenty of it and take your medicine."
"Yes ma'am," he replied in a mocking tone.
They emerged in a synchronized manner from the couch and Mulder
walked Scully to the door.
He opened the door and saw her out.
After shutting the door, Mulder returned to his couch, lying
down. He finished his movie in silence, but didn't hesitate to
start it again. Sleep soon beckoned him, one thought of the
evening soothing him to sleep.
She loved him. He loved her. How much more perfect could love
Her fear to welcome that love had almost subsided.
Perfect love casteth out all fear. A cliche‚ he was willing to
Notes: I left out the whole Diana-being-at-Mulder's-apartment
madness, simply because it gnaws at my insides. We'll just assume
he was too out of it to know what was going on AND they did not
have sex! Ahem, anyway, I know Mulder probably never heard the
whole him-being-meant-to-save-the-world thing, but I tied it in
anyway. I've thought about it and the boy on the beach could have
very well been William (even if the gang didn't intend for him to
be). It could happen. Although I'm pretty sure the kid was meant
to represent Mulder's 'inner child', if you will, or something
like that. I think at some point Scully must've told Mulder about
Daniel, because they seemed far too relaxed on the couch in "all
things" for such a shocking side of Scully to be unveiled at that
point. Interpret the rest as you please. There is a third
installment - which would make this a trilogy -- that I suggest
you read if you want some closure on these matters concerning the
heart. Part three is called "One and the Same". Don't hesitate to
tell me what you think, love!
Title: One and the Same
Rating: PG-13 for mild adult situations
Category: Strong MSR, angst
Spoilers: All Things
Summary: The wait is over.
Feedback: That would be nice. Please. I ain't too proud to beg,
but I would rather it not come to that. email@example.com
Archive: I don't mind if you do. Just keep it as it is and let me
Disclaimer: Ah yes, the disclaimer . . . the bane of my
existence. If you must know these characters and the basic plot
line are not mine and never will be. Chris Carter and the gang
are responsible for this stroke of genius; I just like to have my
way with his creation sometimes. The song, the poem and the
ending quote also are not mine either. Leave me alone.
Much thanks goes to: Sara Bowen for always being ready to beta.
She's good, man, she's real good. Also, thank you Chris, Gillian,
David and crew for successfully making this show my obsession.
And of course, thank YOU for reading my story!
Author's Notes: Is it really songfic if the song just inspired
and supplied a title? Yeah, pretty sure it is, but look beyond
that for now. More on that later. This is the conclusion of a
trilogy I didn't know would happen. In order to really get what
is going on, I strongly suggest that you read "Silent All
These Years" and "To Be With You" (in that order) before
proceeding any further. With that, I leave you to read.
A worn path wrought by years of battles and denial brought one
thing to mind; a routine poem from college that held some
symbolism few thought about or considered. Sure there were those
who vowed that the poem would be their philosophy in life and
that the meaning was profound and righteous. But had these people
ever encountered the two roads diverged in a wood? Had they ever
really chosen one path over another risking the chance of never
being able to turn back?
In a way the poem didn't reflect her journey. In her mind each
road had their jabbing branches and dips in the dirt threatening
her decision and tempting her to turn the other way. However the
path she'd chosen had a promise that the other did not. Love.
Compassion. Devotion. Mulder.
A battered man with tortured dreams. A man on the outside, a
wounded child within. A man who shook his fist at the stars, time
and again, crying out for justice. He, who at times abandoned his
agnostic ways and personal beliefs in hope that maybe, just
maybe, one thing would make itself known to him. That he could
experience the bittersweet taste of truth.
She'd tasted a truth. It hadn't been when she realized she loved
him, some unknown time and day ago, but when she realized that
she would allow herself to.
The door had been left open slightly. The lamp light from the
living room peered through the crack, almost spotlighting the
sleeping form beyond the door.
Scully quietly pushed the door open, pausing momentarily at the
entrance before approaching the bed.
She removed her jacket laying it at the foot of the bed. With a
deep breath she sat beside him. Mulder. Her knight in tarnished
Without uttering a word, Scully brushed his sleep tousled strands
from his face, the gesture causing a stir. Sleepy lids revealed
dark hazel depths, which after gaining focus, gave way to smiling
"Mm-hmm." Her palm still rested against his cheek.
"You leavin'?" Mulder rolled to look at her, causing the warmth
of her hand to leave his face. He missed it immediately.
"No, Mulder, I'm not."
Her response peeking his interest, and concern, he sat up.
"You okay?" As if having a mind of their own, his fingers brushed
against her knee. An involuntary light shiver bolted through her
body at the contact.
"Shh, yeah, I'm okay." She pushed him effortlessly back down to
his pillow and stroked his forehead, his eyes growing heavy with
"Then why the late night, dare I say pleasant, visit?"
Four heartbeats and a deep breath later, she answered his
"I love you, Mulder." A tear Scully was unaware had formed rolled
down her cheek, settling at the corner of her lips. With the
release of her tear, she unleashed a nervous, love-stricken
smile. He was speechless.
Not allowing any word that might escape him, Scully bent down and
brushed her lips across his agape mouth. Closing her eyes, she
felt his hand on the back of her neck, pulling her to him to
deepen the kiss.
When the kiss broke, Mulder beamed. His eyes sparkled and spoke
"I love you." He reflected her words back to her. It was the
time that he could say it so easily without fear of rejection or
dismissal as a joke. His smile had yet to subside.
"I'm sorry it took me so long. I just I wasn't sure if I was
ready to let someone in. When I told you about Daniel a few
months ago, I didn't expect him to make his way back into my
life. Great timing, huh?" Scully laughed quietly, bringing her
hand to cup his face. Her thumb traced his lips.
"I'm glad he did. The confusion was over-whelming as to what I
should do, but I'm glad he made me realize that you were my life
now, because it's the truth, Mulder." Her lips met his again.
"Scully?" He tilted his forehead to meet hers.
"You realize what you're saying, don't you? I can't let you go
"I don't want you to."
She moved to lie beside him, placing feather light kisses along
his features. He laced his fingers through the copper of her
hair, her head finally coming to rest on his chest.
"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that."
She felt lips grace the top of her head.
"I have somewhat of an idea."
Scully moved her body to return her lips back to his, engaging in
a lavish kiss that seduced his senses. The sweet scent that was
Dana. The touch of her skin. The beauty that was her, inside and
out. The taste of her lips. Her words of love that his ears
The events to come of that kiss were undeniable. He fumbled with
the hem of her shirt and continued to clumsily undress her. Her
quest wasn't as complicated.
His lips traveled along her skin and she sighed. It was a sigh of
ecstasy, love . . . release.
They made love. Sweet, slow, unyielding love.
He was already asleep, but Scully was still reveling in the feel
of his skin. She lazily traced her fingertips over his chest and
then kissed his jaw line.
She needed to leave. They had to work in a few hours and she knew
that calling in for a day off because of life changing
declarations and love making wouldn't quite go over well with
With much regret, Scully lightly shook Mulder in hope of waking
him up. He stirred and his arms tightened around Scully. His eyes
still weren't opened.
"Mulder." She whispered in his ear then placed a kiss under it.
"Mm-hmm?" His cheek lovingly rubbed against her hair.
"Mm-hmm." He had a grin on his face, his eyes refusing to open.
"I need to go home. I could use some sleep and we have to work in
"No, we don't, let's call in sick." He brought his other arm to
possessively hold her to him.
"Mulder . . . " she chided playfully.
He sighed and his eyes finally opened to settled on her.
"Fine, but you know you will regret this when you get home. That
cold bed can't be too awfully inviting." He kissed her cheek.
"Believe me, Mulder, I don't want to leave. I need to. I need
clothes, a shower and some sleep. Lord knows I won't be able to
sleep here tonight." She smiled, playing with his hair and kissed
"I guess that excuse will work this time." He let her go and she
slowly moved to leave the warmth of his body.
"Go back to sleep Mulder, I'll see you in a few hours."
His eyes were heavy again and he situated himself comfortably,
his body sprawling lazily over the bed.
"'K. I love you." He closed his eyes and his head fell to the
"I love you, too." Scully kissed his cheek and then moved to
gather her scattered clothing.
She moved to the bathroom and got dressed, her thoughts wondering
to the last two days and the last few hours. The last several
months. The last several years.
Their wait was over. Their lives were one and the same and to
change that would change a life she was finally happy with. She
would find a way to keep it that way. They would find a way. An
act of God had led her to this moment in her life, whether she
had intended it to happen or not. She'd taken the road less
traveled and it had made all the difference.
Time passes in moments. Moments which - rushing past - define the
path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How
rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why
all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life
is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes
closed. But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each
precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless
forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, in seeing those
choices, choose another path?
--Dana Scully, "all things"--
The lyrics below let you in on why they inspired me to write this
and, yes, make it officially a songfic *hangs head in shame.*
They are more like Mulder POV lyrics and considering that
this is more of a Scullyfic, I tied in their meaning as well as I
could. I don't mean to use titles of songs for the titles of my
fics, it just happens. Music is kinda my life, so I listen to it
all the time and sometimes a girl just gets inspired. The Frost
poem was the second inspiration. Just in case you're interested,
the poem is "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost, but then again
about fifty other fics have used that poem as inspiration so you
kids probably have it memorized. I hope this little trilogy of
mine was concluded to your liking. It's kinda funny. I wrote the
third story before I could hardly get started on the second. I
sense no laughter, so I will leave you this final plea: Please
tell me what you think! Love!
One and the Same by Rob Dougan (He's great, get the cd)
Well I keep on waiting
For you to say
That your wait is over
And you've woken up in clover
We're one and the same
It's never ending
But good lights the way
Let's keep believing
That we're one
That we're one and the same
One and the same
Salvation, see it lights the way
Each time we see heaven
It slips away
So keep believing
Don't come undone
Keep on dreaming
Our day will come
We're one and the same
Two birds adrift on the wind
As life slips away
Let's keep believing
That we're one and the same
One and the same
Let's start living
Seize the day
Can't miss heaven
It's a step away
Let's keep persisting
Let's keep believing
Come what may
We're one and the same
Two hopeless dreamers
God has an order
We'll find a way
One and the same
One and the same