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                                    by KimK
                                    Rating: PG
                                    Category: MSR, Angst
                                    Spoilers: Post DeadAlive, Three Words (kinda sorta, but not
                                    really at all), Requiem, Anasazi (briefly) and Per Manum
                                    Summary: Scully tries to be Mulder's refuge when he can't seem to
                                    deal with all the changes he has returned to.
                                    Feedback: No thanks. Haha, has anyone in their right mind ever
                                    actually refused it? That would be great. . . but yes, please, I
                                    would like to know what you think: 
                                    Archive: Go for it! Just let me know.
                                    Disclaimer: No, the characters and everything are NOT mine they
                                    belong to all who are associated with The X Files. This is just
                                    how I work through the stress in my life and my stress with the
                                    unresolved things from the show. 
                                    Author's Notes: Um, a definition of vertigo is a confused,
                                    disoriented state of mind. I think Mulder is probably suffering
                                    from a pretty horrible case of it at this point. I will confess
                                    now . . . I kinda paraphrased some stuff from Three Words for the
                                    sake of my story. Once again this was one of my speed writing
                                    projects. You have been warned. Read on and know me better, man.
                                    Thanks goes to: Sara 'The Beta Master' Bowen, for a marvelous
                                    beta job--thanks for the grammatical tips and everything else.
                                    Also CC and crew! And, as always, thank YOU for taking the time
                                    to read this.
                                    He felt lost. He'd searched his mind for a better word, but that
                                    pretty much summed it up. The months that had passed were a blur.
                                    Given that he vaguely remembered ascending into a bright light;
                                    his memory wouldn't allow much more. He could only remember the
                                    The pain to his body had been torturous and unbearable, but the
                                    real pain had been the emptiness. He'd been alone. The phantom
                                    faces that had surrounded him gave no comfort and they certainly
                                    did not fill the void. 
                                    God how he'd missed Scully.
                                    Time could not be measured, wherever he'd been, but he knew it
                                    had been too long. The silence had been deafening. Aside from
                                    drills and his own cries of anguish, nothing could be heard in
                                    his solitary prison. 
                                    His thoughts would wander in the precious moments when the
                                    probing would take leave, they would wander to Scully. Although
                                    the loneliness and sadness that developed from her absence was
                                    often all he could think of, his mind also tried to conjure what
                                    she had been through during her abduction. 
                                    Scully had tried to remember what all had happened during her
                                    stolen time throughout the years, but only snippets and vague
                                    details would make their way into her memory. So that part was a
                                    mystery and it would probably remain that way. He hoped that she
                                    had never experienced the pain he had. She'd been given cancer
                                    and left barren, however, and those were things he knew were just
                                    as scarring as his visible scars. 
                                    He'd made it through the tests, although his death would have
                                    said otherwise. He didn't remember dying. He didn't remember
                                    returning. He did, however, remember something he wasn't
                                    accustomed to. Peace. As brief as it may have felt, it had
                                    nonetheless been there. The experiments had ceased suddenly and
                                    the next thing he knew he was waking up. 
                                    She'd been crying not seconds before, but despite her tears he
                                    saw a glow; a radiant, awe-inspiring glow. After his cruel joke
                                    and weak smile, he finally got a glimpse of her smile.
                                    God how he'd missed her. 
                                    The talking and smiling had exhausted him, so he soon drifted,
                                    but this time he was able to dream. He'd expected nightmares, but
                                    they never came. In a way he'd wished they had come, if anything,
                                    just so he could maybe recall the past several months. His dream
                                    did, however, take him through a montage of the passing years.
                                    Considering he was classifying it as a dream, the montage
                                    consisted mostly of Scully.
                                    He awoke again, but the night had fallen and the room was dark.
                                    It seemed as though Scully hadn't budged from the spot across his
                                    chest. The warmth of her body was curing. He wasn't sure how she
                                    was able to stay that way. It looked uncomfortable. He shifted
                                    slightly in hopes of waking her. 
                                    She jolted at the movement and lazily moved her face to look at
                                    his. It took all he had, but he was able to give her cheek a soft
                                    stroke with his finger. 
                                    "Lie down, Scully, I'm not going anywhere." His voice was rough
                                    and quiet. He gave her an assuring grin and she nodded. It wasn't
                                    that she wanted to leave his side, but the position she'd been in
                                    couldn't have been good for the baby. 
                                    Scully rose slowly and bent to brush her lips across his
                                    forehead. Lingering there, she realized she hadn't felt his lips
                                    against hers in so long and now that he had been returned to her,
                                    the urge was overwhelming. So without hesitation she smoothed her
                                    lips over his. The kiss had been brief but fulfilling. As she
                                    parted from him, she stroked his cheeks, taking note of his
                                    abrasions and then swept her palm over his eyelids, closing his
                                    "Sleep, Mulder." He kept his eyes closed and savored the memory,
                                    and reminder, of her kiss. This time his sleep was dreamless. 
                                    When he awoke once more, Mulder could barely make out Scully's 
                                    silver-lined silhouette. The sun shone through the blinds and
                                    forced Mulder's eyes open. Had she gained weight?
                                    She still looked as beautiful as ever, but the view and lighting 
                                    wouldn't allow Mulder any further observation. She shifted and
                                    turned to his bed. His eyebrows knit together in curiosity as she
                                    slowly made her way to his side. She hadn't gained weight, well
                                    not from over-eating or lack of exercise anyway. She was
                                    "You're awake." 
                                    "And you're pregnant." His voice was still hoarse, but he could
                                    almost make it passed a whisper. His eyebrows were still knit
                                    together, but now it was out of confusion. Had he really been
                                    gone that long? Had Scully had the chance to move on and start a
                                    new life . . . without him? And the bigger question was set
                                    around that fact she couldn't have children.
                                    "Yeah." She couldn't help but smile at his words. "I'm pregnant."
                                    She sensed the nervousness in her own voice. Where did they go
                                    from here?
                                    Suddenly she noticed his panicked expression and moved to take
                                    his hand in her's. He didn't know it was his. In a way she was
                                    hurt. Hurt because she'd hoped he would have done the math and
                                    that he would know her better than that. Then the hurt subsided
                                    when she realized that he was oblivious to the amount of months
                                    that had gone by. For all he knew it had been several years. 
                                    She opened his hand so that his palm lay out flat and then gently
                                    brought it to her stomach. At first his hand was stiff and
                                    unwilling to make the contact, but when he noticed the smile on
                                    her face, he let it rest over the swell. 
                                    It was his. The baby was his. Scully was his. A grin pulled at
                                    his mouth and tears began to fill his eyes. He was relieved in so
                                    many ways. 
                                    Noticing the tears pooling in his eyes and recognizing them as
                                    tears of joy, Scully's eyes began to water. 
                                    He moved his hand soothingly back and forth. "But how. . .I mean.
                                    . . I know how, but . . ."
                                    Scully blushed at the memory and at his now sheepish grin and his
                                    awkward stumble with words.
                                    "Never give up on a miracle, Mulder." She wiped a lonely tear
                                    from her cheek and smiled, resting her hand on the one that
                                    lovingly stroked her stomach. 
                                    "Yeah. A miracle." He nodded and then took his gaze from their
                                    hands and looked to her face.
                                    "How far along are you?"
                                    "A little over six months." She searched his eyes and saw nothing
                                    more than amazement. This was a lot to take in after what he'd
                                    been through. 
                                    "I should probably go get the doctor." She gave his hand a pat
                                    and lifted it to place back at his side. 
                                    "Do they know I'm awake?" He immediately missed the contact, but 
                                    positioned himself more comfortably in his bed.
                                    "Yeah, they took a look at you after you went back to sleep the
                                    first time. Agent Doggett-"
                                    "Agent who?", Mulder interrupted. 
                                    Scully cleared her throat. "Doggett. He, uh, he's been my partner
                                    in the X-Files the past several months. He helped me find you,
                                    Mulder." She forced a closed smile and then brought her hand to
                                    rest on her stomach.
                                    "Oh." A twinge of jealousy settled in his chest.
                                    Scully gave a quick nod and his change in expression had not gone
                                    unnoticed by her. She smoothed her hand over his hair and down
                                    his cheek.
                                    "I'll be right back, Mulder." She padded to the door, taking one
                                    last look at him before exiting.
                                    After checking him out and being somewhat amazed at his physical 
                                    health, the hospital had decided to keep him over one more night
                                    for observation and then release him.
                                    He was released into Scully's care and he couldn't have been
                                    Scully had kept everything preserved in his apartment, refusing
                                    to let him go so easily and so she'd taken the liberty of packing
                                    things for him and bringing them to her apartment. 
                                    The drive from the hospital had been quiet. There wasn't much to
                                    say at that moment. However, Scully wouldn't let anything slip by
                                    without a discussion. They had so much to talk about.
                                    She sensed his confusion. So much had changed in his absence and
                                    he wasn't taking it in. He was still unclear on how long he had
                                    been gone, even if Scully's pregnancy served as a perfect time
                                    She opened the door to her apartment, letting him enter first.
                                    She couldn't help but notice the sigh he released. It must have
                                    been a breath of fresh air to take in the familiarity of her
                                    home. He set his duffle bag down and smoothed his hand over the
                                    fabric of the sofa.
                                    "Do you want something to drink, Mulder?"
                                    "Yeah. I'd like some water, if that's ok." He was quiet in his
                                    response and a little too formal. His relief of the commonplace
                                    surroundings was comforting to Scully, but she could tell he felt
                                    like a stranger.
                                    Before she could turn to the kitchen, Mulder lightly tapped her
                                    arm and smiled down at her. 
                                    "Let me get it, you go sit down." He was relaxing.
                                    Scully nodded and let him continue forward to the kitchen.
                                    Instead of sitting down, she went to her living room window and
                                    stared at the setting sun. They'd let Mulder out at 6:00, but he
                                    had no appetite so they'd come straight to the apartment just in
                                    time to catch the sunset. The sky was clear, so the display of
                                    red, orange and yellow was intoxicating. Scully crossed her arms
                                    across her chest, resting them on her protruding stomach. 
                                    She heard the rustle of denim as he entered into the living room
                                    once more, but he halted abruptly. Scully turned slightly to see
                                    why he'd stopped so suddenly. She noticed a darkness in his eyes
                                    and a pull at his lips, his head was tilted a little and he had
                                    the two glasses of water in his hands. She continued to give him
                                    a questioning look until he finally set the glasses down on the
                                    table and stepped closer to her. 
                                    "You're so beautiful, Scully", he finally said. 
                                    She let her arms fall to her sides and produced an embarrassed
                                    and skeptical smile. Beautiful? How? She was the size of a cow
                                    and had hardly slept in days. 
                                    He sensed her disbelief and closed the distance between them,
                                    cupping her face in his palms.
                                    "No, I mean it. You have this vibrant glow and . . . I don't
                                    know. I can't explain it, but you are the most beautiful thing I
                                    have ever seen, no matter what you think." He leaned down and
                                    brushed his lips sweetly across hers, taking in her smell.
                                    A tear settled on her cheek before he pulled away and remained
                                    there after the contact. He swept his thumb over her cheek and
                                    dried it, his face laced with concern.
                                    "You okay?"
                                    She'd started to nod, but quickly shifted into shaking her head.
                                    "No. No, Mulder." She took in a shaky breath and pulled him to
                                    her in an embrace. 
                                    "God, I missed you Mulder. I thought that was it. When we found
                                    you dead, I knew there was no way of cheating death this time . .
                                    . that you were really gone. I keep expecting to wake up and find
                                    you still gone . . . that this is all just some bizarre dream
                                    that is keeping me from moving on."
                                    He nodded in understanding. He did understand, as well as he
                                    When she'd been taken and returned only to die, he thought that
                                    was the end. However, he had never had to watch Scully be lowered
                                    six feet under ground or be forced to believe that it was really
                                    goodbye forever. 
                                    Mulder pulled her from him and kissed her forehead. "Let's sit
                                    down, ok?" He caressed her belly with affection and gave what he
                                    could of a smile. 
                                    They went to the sofa and Mulder smiled at Scully's almost
                                    comical way of sitting. When she had picked him up from the
                                    hospital she was already sitting, so he had missed this routine.
                                    He was still holding her hand in the process and when she was
                                    finally comfortable his amused smile fell away and he had a
                                    pained expression. 
                                    "I wish I had been here for it all." He shifted his eyes to the
                                    baby and then looked down at their entwined fingers. 
                                    "Me too." Another tear settled on her cheek and she quickly wiped
                                    it away.
                                    "Are you sure the baby is mine?" He couldn't bring himself to
                                    look at her. He tried to believe that the baby was his, but it
                                    was such a miraculous conception that being a part of it was hard
                                    to grasp. 
                                    Scully searched his face and it was then that she realized how
                                    truly lost he really was.
                                    "Mulder . . ." He toyed with her fingers in wait of her response,
                                    his eyes still cast down. 
                                    "Mulder look at me." He slowly brought his eyes to hers. "It has
                                    to be. There hasn't been anyone else. There is no one else." 
                                    He nodded while displaying a small grin and she brought her palm
                                    to his cheeks, sweeping her thumb over the abrasions for a second
                                    time since his return. Before she could say anything, he kissed
                                    her. They'd kissed since his return, but this one was so real. It
                                    was passionate and unyielding. 
                                    As he pulled her closer to him, Mulder felt a barely noticeable
                                    hit against his abdomen. Scully pulled away with a full-fledged
                                    grin. She began to giggle. 
                                    "Was I just kicked?"
                                    Scully nodded. "I guess he doesn't like the idea of Mom getting 
                                    "He?" The thought of a little boy really brought out the father
                                    in Mulder.
                                    "Mm-hmm. I don't know for sure, but he hangs low and I don't know
                                    . . . I guess it's a mother thing."
                                    "Yeah." He smiled and then leaned down to place his ear against
                                    her stomach. "Hey little buddy." 
                                    Scully ran her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes. It
                                    wasn't until she felt a kiss across her belly that she opened her
                                    eyes. Mulder had what could only be identified as a goofy grin
                                    playing across his face. 
                                    "Are you sure you don't want something to eat?" Scully asked
                                    quietly as she positioned herself to stand. 
                                    "Yeah, I'm not hungry." 
                                    "I'm going to go change then. Help yourself to anything." Scully
                                    padded slowly to her room and shut the door. 
                                    Mulder still sat on the couch, taking in everything around him
                                    and everything that he had just discovered since his return. He
                                    was going to be a father. He smiled to himself at that thought
                                    and ran his hand through his hair. 
                                    He noted the light sweater he was still wearing and moved to open
                                    his duffle bag for a t-shirt. His closet was filled with them, so
                                    surely Scully had packed one. Surely enough he found a black,
                                    white and two gray shirts lying on top. He opted for the gray and
                                    pulled off his sweater.
                                    Scully chose that moment to return. With the light on and him in
                                    full view the scar down his chest was painfully obvious. She'd
                                    caught glimpses of it from time to time, but this was the first
                                    time she got a clear view of it and she winced at the sight. 
                                    She pulled in a quick breath bringing her hand to her mouth,
                                    tears welling in her eyes, she went to him in a hesitant stride.
                                    Mulder, seeing her reaction, started to pull his shirt on but
                                    Scully reached him in time to bring his action to a halt. She
                                    brought her hand up to touch the scar, but quickly refrained. 
                                    "I don't want you seeing me like this." He had a roughness to his
                                    voice and his knuckles were white as he clutched his shirt. 
                                    "But Mulder I-"
                                    "No, Scully. It's bad enough I have to look at it, but you . . .
                                    just let me put my shirt on."
                                    "Mulder, you're going to heal. I can handle looking at it."
                                    "Scully, you're crying. That is not handling it." 
                                    "I just wish I knew what they did to you." Scully placed her
                                    hands in his fists and she felt him loosen his grip. 
                                    "That makes two of us. I can't remember anything in detail. I
                                    remember a lot of cutting and drilling." He saw her wince at his
                                    vague description. "I still can't piece together how long I was
                                    gone . . . or anything." 
                                    "Roughly five months, including your . . . death."
                                    He scoffed and dropped his hands, his shirt hanging at his side.
                                    "Oh, well now it is all coming back to me." He had a mocking
                                    "Mulder, stop it." She was angry at his sudden mood swing, but
                                    hurt that he wouldn't let her touch him, comfort him, like she
                                    had only minutes ago. 
                                    "I'm sorry. I-I don't know, I just . . . I don't know where I fit
                                    in anymore. I'm trying hard not to be cold or bitter, but I can't
                                    seem to process everything."
                                    She nodded and stepped away, allowing him to slip his shirt on.
                                    As he slipped it over his head, she noticed that the scar she had
                                    given him several years back was gone. It had healed.
                                    Thinking a loud, she whispered to herself, "It's gone."
                                    Mulder straightened the cotton down his torso and then looked at
                                    her in question. 
                                    "The scar. When I shot . . . it's gone." She turned away and
                                    picked up the glasses that had been sitting on the coffee table
                                    for the last hour. 
                                    He pulled down his collar to take a look at himself and sure
                                    enough, the scar was gone. He'd never really wanted that one to
                                    go away. It brought some humor in the fact that it was Scully who
                                    had given it to him.
                                    "Hmph. They weren't lying when they said I was in perfect
                                    Scully nodded and took the glasses to her kitchen. After
                                    returning, she noticed Mulder leaning against the door frame of
                                    her guest room. She approached him from behind and followed his
                                    "You seem to be good and ready for this baby." He spoke barely
                                    above a whisper, his eyes focused on the crib settled in the
                                    "Mm-hmm." She nodded with her response and then reached to stroke
                                    Mulder's forearm. 
                                    "I think I am going to go to bed, Mulder."
                                    He finally settled his attention on her once more. "I'm going to
                                    stay up a little while longer if that's ok." 
                                    "That's fine." Scully stood as high as she could and brushed her
                                    lips across his cheek, bringing her palm to his cheek, she swept
                                    her thumb over his lips. "Good night, Mulder."
                                    "Good night."
                                    She turned down the hall and walked to her room, leaving the door
                                    open as she retreated to her bed. 
                                    She closed her eyes as soon as her head hit the pillow, not out
                                    of exhaustion but she found it easier to think when it was just
                                    Startled by the sudden weight on the left side of her bed, she
                                    turned as much as her pregnant body would allow. 
                                    "Mulder, you scared me." 
                                    "Sorry." He was sitting on the edge of the left side, his body
                                    facing her.
                                    "I just . . . I was standing in your living room and I couldn't
                                    help but realize how long it's been since I have . . . held you.
                                    You know? Just . . . held you."
                                    She didn't hold back her smile. "Are you coming on to me,
                                    Mulder released a short chuckle and then looked at her, his smile
                                    still in tact. "Yeah, I am."
                                    Scully tilted her head and then her smile grew, welcoming him
                                    beside her.
                                    "I don't know how easy it is going to be for you to hold me, 
                                    considering the . . . circumstances."
                                    He kicked off his shoes and lay himself parallel to her, his arm
                                    slowly creeping around her. 
                                    "It's perfect." Mulder splayed his fingers over her abdomen and
                                    nuzzled his chin in her neck, his mouth close to her ear.
                                    "It's kinda ironic, if you think about it. Last time I held you
                                    like this I was trying to convince you to get a normal life for
                                    yourself. And here you are, pregnant."
                                    Scully laughed silently at the memory. "Here I am pregnant," she
                                    parroted, bringing her arm to settle across Mulder's, entwining
                                    their fingers across the bulge. 
                                    They lay quietly, reveling in the sound of each other's
                                    breathing, Mulder's breath grazing Scully's ear. 
                                    "I'll be okay." Mulder broke the silence with a whisper.
                                    "Everything . . . it'll be okay. I just need time."
                                    "I know, Mulder. I know."
                                    Mulder kissed her cheek, then her neck, resting his lips by her
                                    ear. "I love you."
                                    Scully's breath hitched and she shut her eyes. "I love you, too."
                                    That's all she wrote
                                    And so . . . that's really it. Um, I don't have much more to say, which is odd.
                                    Hope you liked it! Love!