Category: MSR, Angst
Spoilers: Post DeadAlive, Three Words (kinda sorta, but not
really at all), Requiem, Anasazi (briefly) and Per Manum
Summary: Scully tries to be Mulder's refuge when he can't seem to
deal with all the changes he has returned to.
Feedback: No thanks. Haha, has anyone in their right mind ever
actually refused it? That would be great. . . but yes, please, I
would like to know what you think: firstname.lastname@example.org
Archive: Go for it! Just let me know.
Disclaimer: No, the characters and everything are NOT mine they
belong to all who are associated with The X Files. This is just
how I work through the stress in my life and my stress with the
unresolved things from the show.
Author's Notes: Um, a definition of vertigo is a confused,
disoriented state of mind. I think Mulder is probably suffering
from a pretty horrible case of it at this point. I will confess
now . . . I kinda paraphrased some stuff from Three Words for the
sake of my story. Once again this was one of my speed writing
projects. You have been warned. Read on and know me better, man.
Thanks goes to: Sara 'The Beta Master' Bowen, for a marvelous
beta job--thanks for the grammatical tips and everything else.
Also CC and crew! And, as always, thank YOU for taking the time
to read this.
He felt lost. He'd searched his mind for a better word, but that
pretty much summed it up. The months that had passed were a blur.
Given that he vaguely remembered ascending into a bright light;
his memory wouldn't allow much more. He could only remember the
The pain to his body had been torturous and unbearable, but the
real pain had been the emptiness. He'd been alone. The phantom
faces that had surrounded him gave no comfort and they certainly
did not fill the void.
God how he'd missed Scully.
Time could not be measured, wherever he'd been, but he knew it
had been too long. The silence had been deafening. Aside from
drills and his own cries of anguish, nothing could be heard in
his solitary prison.
His thoughts would wander in the precious moments when the
probing would take leave, they would wander to Scully. Although
the loneliness and sadness that developed from her absence was
often all he could think of, his mind also tried to conjure what
she had been through during her abduction.
Scully had tried to remember what all had happened during her
stolen time throughout the years, but only snippets and vague
details would make their way into her memory. So that part was a
mystery and it would probably remain that way. He hoped that she
had never experienced the pain he had. She'd been given cancer
and left barren, however, and those were things he knew were just
as scarring as his visible scars.
He'd made it through the tests, although his death would have
said otherwise. He didn't remember dying. He didn't remember
returning. He did, however, remember something he wasn't
accustomed to. Peace. As brief as it may have felt, it had
nonetheless been there. The experiments had ceased suddenly and
the next thing he knew he was waking up.
She'd been crying not seconds before, but despite her tears he
saw a glow; a radiant, awe-inspiring glow. After his cruel joke
and weak smile, he finally got a glimpse of her smile.
God how he'd missed her.
The talking and smiling had exhausted him, so he soon drifted,
but this time he was able to dream. He'd expected nightmares, but
they never came. In a way he'd wished they had come, if anything,
just so he could maybe recall the past several months. His dream
did, however, take him through a montage of the passing years.
Considering he was classifying it as a dream, the montage
consisted mostly of Scully.
He awoke again, but the night had fallen and the room was dark.
It seemed as though Scully hadn't budged from the spot across his
chest. The warmth of her body was curing. He wasn't sure how she
was able to stay that way. It looked uncomfortable. He shifted
slightly in hopes of waking her.
She jolted at the movement and lazily moved her face to look at
his. It took all he had, but he was able to give her cheek a soft
stroke with his finger.
"Lie down, Scully, I'm not going anywhere." His voice was rough
and quiet. He gave her an assuring grin and she nodded. It wasn't
that she wanted to leave his side, but the position she'd been in
couldn't have been good for the baby.
Scully rose slowly and bent to brush her lips across his
forehead. Lingering there, she realized she hadn't felt his lips
against hers in so long and now that he had been returned to her,
the urge was overwhelming. So without hesitation she smoothed her
lips over his. The kiss had been brief but fulfilling. As she
parted from him, she stroked his cheeks, taking note of his
abrasions and then swept her palm over his eyelids, closing his
"Sleep, Mulder." He kept his eyes closed and savored the memory,
and reminder, of her kiss. This time his sleep was dreamless.
When he awoke once more, Mulder could barely make out Scully's
silver-lined silhouette. The sun shone through the blinds and
forced Mulder's eyes open. Had she gained weight?
She still looked as beautiful as ever, but the view and lighting
wouldn't allow Mulder any further observation. She shifted and
turned to his bed. His eyebrows knit together in curiosity as she
slowly made her way to his side. She hadn't gained weight, well
not from over-eating or lack of exercise anyway. She was
"And you're pregnant." His voice was still hoarse, but he could
almost make it passed a whisper. His eyebrows were still knit
together, but now it was out of confusion. Had he really been
gone that long? Had Scully had the chance to move on and start a
new life . . . without him? And the bigger question was set
around that fact she couldn't have children.
"Yeah." She couldn't help but smile at his words. "I'm pregnant."
She sensed the nervousness in her own voice. Where did they go
Suddenly she noticed his panicked expression and moved to take
his hand in her's. He didn't know it was his. In a way she was
hurt. Hurt because she'd hoped he would have done the math and
that he would know her better than that. Then the hurt subsided
when she realized that he was oblivious to the amount of months
that had gone by. For all he knew it had been several years.
She opened his hand so that his palm lay out flat and then gently
brought it to her stomach. At first his hand was stiff and
unwilling to make the contact, but when he noticed the smile on
her face, he let it rest over the swell.
It was his. The baby was his. Scully was his. A grin pulled at
his mouth and tears began to fill his eyes. He was relieved in so
Noticing the tears pooling in his eyes and recognizing them as
tears of joy, Scully's eyes began to water.
He moved his hand soothingly back and forth. "But how. . .I mean.
. . I know how, but . . ."
Scully blushed at the memory and at his now sheepish grin and his
awkward stumble with words.
"Never give up on a miracle, Mulder." She wiped a lonely tear
from her cheek and smiled, resting her hand on the one that
lovingly stroked her stomach.
"Yeah. A miracle." He nodded and then took his gaze from their
hands and looked to her face.
"How far along are you?"
"A little over six months." She searched his eyes and saw nothing
more than amazement. This was a lot to take in after what he'd
"I should probably go get the doctor." She gave his hand a pat
and lifted it to place back at his side.
"Do they know I'm awake?" He immediately missed the contact, but
positioned himself more comfortably in his bed.
"Yeah, they took a look at you after you went back to sleep the
first time. Agent Doggett-"
"Agent who?", Mulder interrupted.
Scully cleared her throat. "Doggett. He, uh, he's been my partner
in the X-Files the past several months. He helped me find you,
Mulder." She forced a closed smile and then brought her hand to
rest on her stomach.
"Oh." A twinge of jealousy settled in his chest.
Scully gave a quick nod and his change in expression had not gone
unnoticed by her. She smoothed her hand over his hair and down
"I'll be right back, Mulder." She padded to the door, taking one
last look at him before exiting.
After checking him out and being somewhat amazed at his physical
health, the hospital had decided to keep him over one more night
for observation and then release him.
He was released into Scully's care and he couldn't have been
Scully had kept everything preserved in his apartment, refusing
to let him go so easily and so she'd taken the liberty of packing
things for him and bringing them to her apartment.
The drive from the hospital had been quiet. There wasn't much to
say at that moment. However, Scully wouldn't let anything slip by
without a discussion. They had so much to talk about.
She sensed his confusion. So much had changed in his absence and
he wasn't taking it in. He was still unclear on how long he had
been gone, even if Scully's pregnancy served as a perfect time
She opened the door to her apartment, letting him enter first.
She couldn't help but notice the sigh he released. It must have
been a breath of fresh air to take in the familiarity of her
home. He set his duffle bag down and smoothed his hand over the
fabric of the sofa.
"Do you want something to drink, Mulder?"
"Yeah. I'd like some water, if that's ok." He was quiet in his
response and a little too formal. His relief of the commonplace
surroundings was comforting to Scully, but she could tell he felt
like a stranger.
Before she could turn to the kitchen, Mulder lightly tapped her
arm and smiled down at her.
"Let me get it, you go sit down." He was relaxing.
Scully nodded and let him continue forward to the kitchen.
Instead of sitting down, she went to her living room window and
stared at the setting sun. They'd let Mulder out at 6:00, but he
had no appetite so they'd come straight to the apartment just in
time to catch the sunset. The sky was clear, so the display of
red, orange and yellow was intoxicating. Scully crossed her arms
across her chest, resting them on her protruding stomach.
She heard the rustle of denim as he entered into the living room
once more, but he halted abruptly. Scully turned slightly to see
why he'd stopped so suddenly. She noticed a darkness in his eyes
and a pull at his lips, his head was tilted a little and he had
the two glasses of water in his hands. She continued to give him
a questioning look until he finally set the glasses down on the
table and stepped closer to her.
"You're so beautiful, Scully", he finally said.
She let her arms fall to her sides and produced an embarrassed
and skeptical smile. Beautiful? How? She was the size of a cow
and had hardly slept in days.
He sensed her disbelief and closed the distance between them,
cupping her face in his palms.
"No, I mean it. You have this vibrant glow and . . . I don't
know. I can't explain it, but you are the most beautiful thing I
have ever seen, no matter what you think." He leaned down and
brushed his lips sweetly across hers, taking in her smell.
A tear settled on her cheek before he pulled away and remained
there after the contact. He swept his thumb over her cheek and
dried it, his face laced with concern.
She'd started to nod, but quickly shifted into shaking her head.
"No. No, Mulder." She took in a shaky breath and pulled him to
her in an embrace.
"God, I missed you Mulder. I thought that was it. When we found
you dead, I knew there was no way of cheating death this time . .
. that you were really gone. I keep expecting to wake up and find
you still gone . . . that this is all just some bizarre dream
that is keeping me from moving on."
He nodded in understanding. He did understand, as well as he
When she'd been taken and returned only to die, he thought that
was the end. However, he had never had to watch Scully be lowered
six feet under ground or be forced to believe that it was really
Mulder pulled her from him and kissed her forehead. "Let's sit
down, ok?" He caressed her belly with affection and gave what he
could of a smile.
They went to the sofa and Mulder smiled at Scully's almost
comical way of sitting. When she had picked him up from the
hospital she was already sitting, so he had missed this routine.
He was still holding her hand in the process and when she was
finally comfortable his amused smile fell away and he had a
"I wish I had been here for it all." He shifted his eyes to the
baby and then looked down at their entwined fingers.
"Me too." Another tear settled on her cheek and she quickly wiped
"Are you sure the baby is mine?" He couldn't bring himself to
look at her. He tried to believe that the baby was his, but it
was such a miraculous conception that being a part of it was hard
Scully searched his face and it was then that she realized how
truly lost he really was.
"Mulder . . ." He toyed with her fingers in wait of her response,
his eyes still cast down.
"Mulder look at me." He slowly brought his eyes to hers. "It has
to be. There hasn't been anyone else. There is no one else."
He nodded while displaying a small grin and she brought her palm
to his cheeks, sweeping her thumb over the abrasions for a second
time since his return. Before she could say anything, he kissed
her. They'd kissed since his return, but this one was so real. It
was passionate and unyielding.
As he pulled her closer to him, Mulder felt a barely noticeable
hit against his abdomen. Scully pulled away with a full-fledged
grin. She began to giggle.
"Was I just kicked?"
Scully nodded. "I guess he doesn't like the idea of Mom getting
"He?" The thought of a little boy really brought out the father
"Mm-hmm. I don't know for sure, but he hangs low and I don't know
. . . I guess it's a mother thing."
"Yeah." He smiled and then leaned down to place his ear against
her stomach. "Hey little buddy."
Scully ran her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes. It
wasn't until she felt a kiss across her belly that she opened her
eyes. Mulder had what could only be identified as a goofy grin
playing across his face.
"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?" Scully asked
quietly as she positioned herself to stand.
"Yeah, I'm not hungry."
"I'm going to go change then. Help yourself to anything." Scully
padded slowly to her room and shut the door.
Mulder still sat on the couch, taking in everything around him
and everything that he had just discovered since his return. He
was going to be a father. He smiled to himself at that thought
and ran his hand through his hair.
He noted the light sweater he was still wearing and moved to open
his duffle bag for a t-shirt. His closet was filled with them, so
surely Scully had packed one. Surely enough he found a black,
white and two gray shirts lying on top. He opted for the gray and
pulled off his sweater.
Scully chose that moment to return. With the light on and him in
full view the scar down his chest was painfully obvious. She'd
caught glimpses of it from time to time, but this was the first
time she got a clear view of it and she winced at the sight.
She pulled in a quick breath bringing her hand to her mouth,
tears welling in her eyes, she went to him in a hesitant stride.
Mulder, seeing her reaction, started to pull his shirt on but
Scully reached him in time to bring his action to a halt. She
brought her hand up to touch the scar, but quickly refrained.
"I don't want you seeing me like this." He had a roughness to his
voice and his knuckles were white as he clutched his shirt.
"But Mulder I-"
"No, Scully. It's bad enough I have to look at it, but you . . .
just let me put my shirt on."
"Mulder, you're going to heal. I can handle looking at it."
"Scully, you're crying. That is not handling it."
"I just wish I knew what they did to you." Scully placed her
hands in his fists and she felt him loosen his grip.
"That makes two of us. I can't remember anything in detail. I
remember a lot of cutting and drilling." He saw her wince at his
vague description. "I still can't piece together how long I was
gone . . . or anything."
"Roughly five months, including your . . . death."
He scoffed and dropped his hands, his shirt hanging at his side.
"Oh, well now it is all coming back to me." He had a mocking
"Mulder, stop it." She was angry at his sudden mood swing, but
hurt that he wouldn't let her touch him, comfort him, like she
had only minutes ago.
"I'm sorry. I-I don't know, I just . . . I don't know where I fit
in anymore. I'm trying hard not to be cold or bitter, but I can't
seem to process everything."
She nodded and stepped away, allowing him to slip his shirt on.
As he slipped it over his head, she noticed that the scar she had
given him several years back was gone. It had healed.
Thinking a loud, she whispered to herself, "It's gone."
Mulder straightened the cotton down his torso and then looked at
her in question.
"The scar. When I shot . . . it's gone." She turned away and
picked up the glasses that had been sitting on the coffee table
for the last hour.
He pulled down his collar to take a look at himself and sure
enough, the scar was gone. He'd never really wanted that one to
go away. It brought some humor in the fact that it was Scully who
had given it to him.
"Hmph. They weren't lying when they said I was in perfect
Scully nodded and took the glasses to her kitchen. After
returning, she noticed Mulder leaning against the door frame of
her guest room. She approached him from behind and followed his
"You seem to be good and ready for this baby." He spoke barely
above a whisper, his eyes focused on the crib settled in the
"Mm-hmm." She nodded with her response and then reached to stroke
"I think I am going to go to bed, Mulder."
He finally settled his attention on her once more. "I'm going to
stay up a little while longer if that's ok."
"That's fine." Scully stood as high as she could and brushed her
lips across his cheek, bringing her palm to his cheek, she swept
her thumb over his lips. "Good night, Mulder."
She turned down the hall and walked to her room, leaving the door
open as she retreated to her bed.
She closed her eyes as soon as her head hit the pillow, not out
of exhaustion but she found it easier to think when it was just
Startled by the sudden weight on the left side of her bed, she
turned as much as her pregnant body would allow.
"Mulder, you scared me."
"Sorry." He was sitting on the edge of the left side, his body
"I just . . . I was standing in your living room and I couldn't
help but realize how long it's been since I have . . . held you.
You know? Just . . . held you."
She didn't hold back her smile. "Are you coming on to me,
Mulder released a short chuckle and then looked at her, his smile
still in tact. "Yeah, I am."
Scully tilted her head and then her smile grew, welcoming him
"I don't know how easy it is going to be for you to hold me,
considering the . . . circumstances."
He kicked off his shoes and lay himself parallel to her, his arm
slowly creeping around her.
"It's perfect." Mulder splayed his fingers over her abdomen and
nuzzled his chin in her neck, his mouth close to her ear.
"It's kinda ironic, if you think about it. Last time I held you
like this I was trying to convince you to get a normal life for
yourself. And here you are, pregnant."
Scully laughed silently at the memory. "Here I am pregnant," she
parroted, bringing her arm to settle across Mulder's, entwining
their fingers across the bulge.
They lay quietly, reveling in the sound of each other's
breathing, Mulder's breath grazing Scully's ear.
"I'll be okay." Mulder broke the silence with a whisper.
"Everything . . . it'll be okay. I just need time."
"I know, Mulder. I know."
Mulder kissed her cheek, then her neck, resting his lips by her
ear. "I love you."
Scully's breath hitched and she shut her eyes. "I love you, too."
That's all she wrote
And so . . . that's really it. Um, I don't have much more to say, which is odd.
Hope you liked it! Love!