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Title: If Only
                                    
                                    Author: KimK
                                    
                                    Rating: PG
                                    
                                    Keywords: Angst
                                    
                                    Spoilers: Episodes with Diana - The End, The Beginning, Two
                                    Fathers, One Son and the Biogenesis trilogy
                                    
                                    Time Line: Sometime during the Diana mess.
                                    
                                    Summary: Mulder suffers from a rude awakening about his
                                    relationship with Scully.
                                    
                                    Archive: Oh please do, just leave it like it is and let me know
                                    about it. 
                                    
                                    Feedback: Yes please. I ain't too proud to beg, but I would
                                    rather it not come to that. k_nig_it1013@yahoo.com
                                    
                                    Disclaimer: Not mine . . . hrmph. Don't sue, I'm filthy poor. 
                                    
                                    Thank you: Sara, my beta reader and pal. Also thank you Gillian
                                    and David for your hard work and amazing chemistry. Thanks goes
                                    to CC and Co. for, as annoying as it may be, leaving some things
                                    unsaid so we can do with the plot what we will. Definite thanks
                                    goes to the readers as well and your generous feedback. <g>
                                    
                                    Author's Notes: Mulder's behavior towards Scully when Diana was
                                    in the picture was just down right inexcusable and, dagnabit, the
                                    blasted mess was never cleaned up  - why am I not surprised?
                                    Anyway, because it is never specified what Mulder is referring to
                                    in this very short vignette, that is what this is all centered
                                    around. Just know that Mulder is finally coming to his senses
                                    about the way he has been treating Scully.
                                    
                                    XxX            
                                    
                                    There are times when she is just beyond my sight. Where once she
                                    was visible to me, growing more so each day, I now can only
                                    sometimes see her as a mere apparition. 
                                    
                                    If only I had not gone blind to the ever menacing downfall of
                                    what we used to be. What we could have been. If only I had
                                    realized the error of my ways before what is now apparent as
                                    irreparable destruction. If only . . . 
                                    
                                    I was close to allowing myself to love her. To her allowing me
                                    to. Now it hurts to touch her, the silence of unspoken words
                                    burning me to the quick. Gaining eye contact without having to
                                    see betrayal in her eyes would be a blessing. But to deny the
                                    fact that I did abandon her would be hiding the truth. 
                                    
                                    She's painted an ugly picture of me in her mind with my lies as
                                    the paint and my secrets as the palette. In a way I imagine it
                                    being like the portrait of Dorian Grey, yet with me each omission
                                    and act of deceit defacing the man she thought I was. I'm a
                                    stranger to her now and she has decided to pay me with the same
                                    respect, stepping back and becoming just my partner. Just a
                                    person I see from nine to five, no friendship attached, just
                                    business.
                                    
                                    But I need her.
                                    
                                    I trust her.
                                    
                                    I love her. 
                                    
                                    And I've lost her.
                                    
                                    There are times when I lose hope . . . that I will ever truly see
                                    her again. 
                                    
                                    End
                                    
                                    Notes: That is all. Hope you liked it (loved it?). Feedback is
                                    much appreciated. Love!
                                    
                                    
                                    
                                    

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