Title: If Only
Spoilers: Episodes with Diana - The End, The Beginning, Two
Fathers, One Son and the Biogenesis trilogy
Time Line: Sometime during the Diana mess.
Summary: Mulder suffers from a rude awakening about his
relationship with Scully.
Archive: Oh please do, just leave it like it is and let me know
Feedback: Yes please. I ain't too proud to beg, but I would
rather it not come to that. firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: Not mine . . . hrmph. Don't sue, I'm filthy poor.
Thank you: Sara, my beta reader and pal. Also thank you Gillian
and David for your hard work and amazing chemistry. Thanks goes
to CC and Co. for, as annoying as it may be, leaving some things
unsaid so we can do with the plot what we will. Definite thanks
goes to the readers as well and your generous feedback. <g>
Author's Notes: Mulder's behavior towards Scully when Diana was
in the picture was just down right inexcusable and, dagnabit, the
blasted mess was never cleaned up - why am I not surprised?
Anyway, because it is never specified what Mulder is referring to
in this very short vignette, that is what this is all centered
around. Just know that Mulder is finally coming to his senses
about the way he has been treating Scully.
There are times when she is just beyond my sight. Where once she
was visible to me, growing more so each day, I now can only
sometimes see her as a mere apparition.
If only I had not gone blind to the ever menacing downfall of
what we used to be. What we could have been. If only I had
realized the error of my ways before what is now apparent as
irreparable destruction. If only . . .
I was close to allowing myself to love her. To her allowing me
to. Now it hurts to touch her, the silence of unspoken words
burning me to the quick. Gaining eye contact without having to
see betrayal in her eyes would be a blessing. But to deny the
fact that I did abandon her would be hiding the truth.
She's painted an ugly picture of me in her mind with my lies as
the paint and my secrets as the palette. In a way I imagine it
being like the portrait of Dorian Grey, yet with me each omission
and act of deceit defacing the man she thought I was. I'm a
stranger to her now and she has decided to pay me with the same
respect, stepping back and becoming just my partner. Just a
person I see from nine to five, no friendship attached, just
But I need her.
I trust her.
I love her.
And I've lost her.
There are times when I lose hope . . . that I will ever truly see
Notes: That is all. Hope you liked it (loved it?). Feedback is
much appreciated. Love!